Only 3 more left!

The lack of confidence took another bashing this week.  My late appointment for radiotherapy was incredibly late as the other machine had broken down!  This meant there was plenty of time to talk to the other patients. Oh dear.  There were 2 ladies there that were a lot more experienced than me.  1 lady had been in the same situation 15 months earlier - only 15 months breathing space and bang it's back again, this time on her spine!  I'm not sure what her original diagnosis was. 
The other lady had been to see her consultant for an annual check (diagnosed with breast cancer originally) only to be told it had come back near her collar bone.  4 years she'd been free of it.  They couldn't operate - too near her jugular - so she had chemo (lost her hair again) and now radiotherapy.  Her oncologist thought that maybe the hormone treatment had stopped working, so she's on a different 1 now.  She was originally on Tamoxifen, but was taken off that when she had reconstructive surgery (risk of blood clots).  Then she was put on Arimidex and it was whilst she was on this that the b*st*rd came back.  Both said it was worse being told second time around.
I sat there in stunned silence just listening to them.  I managed to keep it together during treatment and back to the car, but then I cried all the way home (not good in the dark and the rain!).  Part of me thought, what's the point - it's going to come back.  Nobody knows if the treatment is working or is going to continue to work.  That was the paranoid, half empty Tracey.  The sensible, half full Tracey knows that a) it may not be the same for me, b) don't I at least have to try for my friends and family and c) I can't do anything about it anyway - que sera, sera.  It didn't stop the tears though and me sobbing my heart out first to Chris and then on the phone to my Mum.  I felt better afterwards - I think the tears were overdue.

On Tuesday, I popped into work.  Liv had an appointment, so I took the chance to say a quick hello to a few people (fab looking secretaries office - well done girls!).  There were lots of hugs and people telling me how good I looked (mmmm.....still not convinced on that one!).
Radiotherapy at 13:00 was ultra quick, so I had chance to get something for tea before picking the boys up.
Then it was an eye test for the boys and new specs for Vaughan (wonder if he'll wear this pair??!).  So all in all a busy day for me!

On Wednesday morning, I had the pleasure of going to the lymphoedema clinic to be measured for a compression sleeve.  As Miriam (my lymphoedema nurse) didn't have 1 long enough, she said she'd post it out to me.  I should aim to wear it for about half a day to begin with.  Well, it arrived yesterday.  I washed it and am now sat wearing a rather fetching, skin coloured, full arm with fingerless glove (well it has a thumb cover) compression sleeve!  Woohoo :(  No, you guessed right, I don't like it!
Went to see my GP on Wednesday evening, as I was running out of Clexane injections.  She wasn't too keen on prescribing more as they cost £111 for a box of 10.  Unfortunately the oncologist's letters weren't very clear as to how long I should stay on the Clexane for (and apparently I'm on a high dose).  I explained that he was happy for me to go onto Tamoxifen whilst I was taking the Clexane and that he planned to review me 3 months from December.  So, the upshot is that she gave me a script for 10, which gives me enough time to ring Dr Newman's secretary and find out how long he wants me to stay on it and at what dose.  Rushed to the nearest chemist as it was nearly closing time (she'd kept me waiting for nearly an hour) only to find that they didn't have any in stock.  So, I ran back to the car and sped round to the pharmacy at work and they did have some, but only 7, so I have to go back and get my other 3.
Can't cope with all these busy days!

My bff (best friend forever according to my facebook sources!), Susie B, took me for my Thursday radiotherapy appointment.  Poor Susie, they were running over an hour and half late!  So she sat and sat and sat and had to listen to me and Gemma gabbling away and then she had to wait some more while I went for treatment!  We did go for a coffee after though, which made up for it a bit.

As of today, I have 3 more sessions to go.  Hard to believe that all the big treatments are nearly over.  I'm not quite sure how that'll affect me yet.  Think I need a bit of time to reflect and get my head into a more positive frame of mind for the future.  I also need to talk to Irene, my breast care nurse, about gene testing, the implications of it and if Livi can have regular screening (and a few other things I'm sure!).  Anyway I think I've had this sleeve on for long enough now......time to go!