Things on my mind

I'm coming out of the chemo fog finally.  I don't think it's quite hit me yet that I won't have to feel like that again (well, fingers crossed anyway).  No, I've had other things on my mind.
After we saw the Oncologist and talked about the prognosis, Chris and I had different interpretations of what he'd said, so I decided to look it up on the internet (I know - fatal mistake).  It turns out, my interpretation was correct, but the statistics I saw on the internet were a lot different from what the Oncologist had quoted.  Yes, it's a UK site and a reputable one too - http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/type/breast-cancer/treatment/statistics-and-outlook-for-breast-cancer#large -  if you want to check! According to this, the size (one was 1.5cm and the other 2.6cm) and grade (grade 2 - only 3 grades) of my tumours and the fact they were in 6/17 lymph nodes says that I only have 30 - 50% chance of living to the 10 year mark.  Chris thinks I'm wrong, that the consultant wouldn't have told me 70% if it wasn't true.  He had to have a quick look at my notes, though, when I asked him the question and it was just a quick look.  I don't think it registered with him that it was an intermediate grade.
Now, what to do with this news?  Well, being me, I cried.  All my thoughts of my future, hopes and dreams have been put in doubt (to be honest, I had these tears when I was diagnosed, not just now).  Have I got a future?  Well, yes, actually I have - I just don't know how long, but then none of us do.  It's taking a while to get my head around this.  The upshot is, though, I can't do anything about it.  So why get stressed out?  Mum says that once I get out of this cancer bubble and get back to my normal day to day life, this will be pushed to the back of my mind and I'll just get on with things.  She's right of course, I can't do anything else.  There's also the fact that I may be one of the 30 - 50% that reach the 10 year mark.

So there we are, that's what's primarily been on my mind this week.  That, the side effects and life that goes on around me during the week after chemo.
This has included Liv's relationship ending, again (not her choice, so lots of tears).  Lots and lots of snow and ice and the kids finishing school and college for the Christmas break.  Talking of Christmas, we haven't got any decorations up yet, will have to sort that out this week I suppose!  This is the week too that I'm paranoid about catching some bug or germ that'll put me back in hospital.  There's plenty going about at the moment.  A couple of the community nurses have been struck down and haven't been round to see me for a while.  I can't put myself in isolation, this week of all weeks - too much to sort out still!  I'll have to take Mary's (the district nurse who retired) advice and sniff a hanky with a few drops of tea tree oil on it to ward away infections. 

Chris has also finished until after Christmas, so he's around to help out with the preparations.  It's nice to have him around, although, at the moment he thinks he may be coming down with something!


Mum had to go back on Thursday because of the weather forecast, so her visit was cut short again.  I can't believe that's the last time she'll be coming up for a while.  I cannot begin to express how grateful we are to her.  Naturally, I haven't been able to express it to her yet without becoming a blubbering mess.  She has given up her own life selflessly each chemo cycle to become part of ours, looking after us and giving us all the love and support we need.  As Chris said in his blog, we cannot thank her enough (yes, I'm a blubbering mess at the moment!).  She's one in a million, I love her soooooooo much and don't know what I'd do without her (can't see what I'm typing now!).  My Dad also has had to do without each time she came up, but has managed brilliantly and I'm very grateful to him too.  He's never complained once and just accepted it as the done thing.  So, it's thanks to both of you. (CHRIS! More tissues................!).